Taco's Theory (2026)
A very unserious way to get back on the writing horse
If this post had a walk-up song, it’d be Track 2 off of the artist formerly known as “Young Jeezy”’s 10th studio album (The Recession).
Sorry for the long delay. All of us got busy. People moved. Things came up. Life happened.
As a result, LASAGNAA is now more of a solo project for me. If you enjoyed someone else’s writing more than mine, feel free to unsubscribe and go follow them.
Astute viewers of FX’s The League, or even astuter viewers of Comedy Central’s Workaholics (in which The League is apparently a TV show), will recall a universal theory: hot girls drive Volkswagen Jettas.
Now, as Taco states, this theory is true 92% of the time (or at least it was in a fictional version of early 2010’s Chicago). And, it should be noted, as someone who was forced to take a series of ridiculous logic tests this week, there exists a very clear line within this theory: you can be a “hot girl” and not drive a Jetta. One is not excluded from “hot girl” status through their choice of vehicle.
However, I have begun to believe that this theory, much like a show from 15 years ago, is beginning to show its age. This scene and theory exist in a simultaneously pre- and post-Hummer world. Writing in 2016, Motor Trend noted that the greatest growth demographic for SUVs from 2010 to 2015 was women.
Now I could get all philosophical about how beauty standards run in parallel with wealth or about the death of the small car and the “arms race” that is driven by the US having distorted safety ratings, but did you come here for economics or secondary effects of US policy? NO! You came for silliness and phone-based escapism.
Whatever the case may be, it is undeniable that in the last 15 years, cars have gotten bigger …and what are hot girls if not adaptable? Confirming my hypothesis was a series of tweets that I came across this week that seem based on “vibes,” and that’s enough for me to consider this done and dusted:
Therefore, in updating Taco’s Theory: If you see a Volkswagen Tiguan, there’s a hot girl inside… 92% of the time.
